In which our columnist runs foul of the ‘only one other cake’ rule at teatime

Trevor 3

My failure to columnise last week was entirely due to the latest LGF’s insistence that I take her for a short break to what she so kindly described as my ‘spiritual home’, viz Holmfirth in beautiful West Yorkshire.

Why, you ask, had she ordained this particular place as suitable for my pilgrimage?

Well, some of you of a certain age (not necessarily as advanced as mine) will know this to be the beautiful and both culturally and scenically elevated home of the BBC TV series ‘Last of the Summer Wine’, and thus she deemed it highly appropriate for yours truly.

I always try to mix a little business with my pleasures, so I was delighted when I finally located Sid’s Cafe to find a representative from each of the three popular portals already  waiting to start our meeting.

After the inevitable team photograph of the triumvirate suited and booted as they each felt appropriate, with ne’er a wrinkled stocking amongst them, we sat down to discuss the relative USPs of their competing services.

This naturally took the best part of 30 seconds, and so toasted tea cakes were duly ordered.

Sadly, disagreements rapidly followed as OnTheParquet said that if they were to have a cake, then only Mightmove or Hoopla could join them, but not both.

At this, Hoopla suggested that it wasn’t actually a ‘tea cake’ at all, but a Chelsea Bun, thus the rule was unenforceable.

The Mightmove representative was clear that, so long as he could have his cake and eat it, and he could continue to increase the menu pricing every few weeks as well, he didn’t give a … about anyone or anything.

Comments are sought from you, dear reader, as to which of the three portals you believe the three gentlemen pictured below were representing at our meeting at Sid’s last week, and why.

Last of the Summer Wine

Talking of comments, no one has agreed with my gripe in my last column over First Utility’s efficiencies or otherwise in dealing with final accounts and tenant changes, so I assume it’s me then, not they!

I see Wickerman Estates have been instructed on those seven new homes under construction in Haystack Yard Bristol: 80% straw walls indeed, it’ll be grass roofs next, you mark my words.

I spoke to Wickerman’s sales manager Ms Thatcher yesterday, who claimed that the architects – BaleHaus – had adapted the concept from a well-known German prefabricated building system, and the only real difference was that these homes were delivered from farm by tractor, rather than low-loader from factory.

It was also suggested that the unusual construction adopted for these properties had already been ‘pre-approved’ for mortgage loans with barley any concerns expressed by valuation surveyors out in the field.

Reportedly a second site has already been acquired in Hay on Wye – a very pertinent question indeed, I feel.

And you thought I would conjure up some tragically unfunny story connecting St Valentine to property today – shame on you!

It’s actually Monday 16 I am looking forward to. As you will all know, this is Lithuanian Independence Day, and I always find I get more offers then than on  St V’s but, as always, they all tend to crumble on survey shortly after…

Have a nice romantic weekend.

Big T

x

Email the story to a friend

7 Comments

  1. Eamonn

    Can’t remember the characters  names but Rightmove is the small messed looking one.   Invests very little into its appearance and doesn’t give a cats axre about anyone other that itself.

    zoopla is the talk lanky one.  It’s completely clueless but likes to think it’s has influence

    as for the third one well that actually on the market.   Small in voice but always looking to be apart of the show

    Report
  2. Ewan Foreman

    Trevor – you are clearly on to something with “one other cake”. Who would have thought that OTM may hold the key to the nations health. The OTM rep is clearly Brian Wilde – the tie is an immediate give away!

    Report
  3. Trevor Mealham

    I think 3 of the guests were taking the biscuit Trev

    Report
  4. wilko

    Foggy  representing Rightmove….a slightly slimey, over confident character who has the ability to get the others to do things…..sometimes against their better judgement.

    Compo represents Zoopla, once a reasonably dressed young man he has now completely let himself go. He focuses on the very much smaller life picture of Nora Batty and Beer, without seeing the bigger picture. Foggy completely controls him, but he doesn’t really realise this. Not uncommon for him to be the at the centre of somewhat kamikaze projects, that often end badly.

    Clegg, representing Onthemarket…..probably the hardest of the 3 amigos to work out he spends more time listening to what is going on than getting involved. He is often the quiet voice of reason, pointing out the dangers or potential perils of the other two’s hairbrain plans…..this character is set to outlive his other chums and be the sole character from the original series to later appear in related series.

    Report
  5. GPL

    Those digital/statistical folk that post on here spouting numbers, graphs, hits, page impressions, traffic etc….. they just see a bar chart….. Foggy – tallest = Rightmove. Clegg – No2 = Zoopla. and of course Compo – No 3 (the slightly smaller) = OnTheMarket. Me I see 3 Hats… the 2 more expensive hats on Foggy & Clegg (Hikemove & Zhoopla)…..whilst Compo/OTM wears the Wooly Hat…. because he just gets on with it and ignores what the other 2 are wearing!

    Report
  6. GPL

    …and we know that both Hikemove & Zhoopla will employ analysts to interpret these posts and the differences between our interpretations of Foggy, Clegg & Compo….and why they mean that their portal is best….meanwhile OTM just get on with it….. now where did I put my Wooly Hat?

    Report
  7. drasperger

    So how much do you recon is spent on cakes each year in Holmfirth? In my town, a conservative estimate would be £500k…… enough to to keep the Squabbling Trio at the trough for a few more years yet!

    If only it were easier to heard cats……imagine if we had a very attractive cafe selling Holmfirth cake……. and persuaded all the locals that eating locally sourced fare was the way forward…….. soon there would only need to be one Cafe in Holmfirth……. which would probably explain why there is no more “last of the Summer Whining”

    Report
X

You must be logged in to report this comment!

Leave a Reply

Thank you for signing up to our newsletter, we have sent you an email asking you to confirm your subscription. Additionally if you would like to create a free EYE account which allows you to comment on news stories and manage your email subscriptions please enter a password below.