Shuffle up! We have finally made it, if not to the hall of fame, then on one of a pack of cards. Industry cards, that is.
The 100% annoying Russell Quirk, of eMoov, has come up with a game based on some of the personalities in the property sector – and EYE’s editor, Roz Rent-Shaw, is included.
We are not annoyed. Indeed, we regard this as a big deal. Quirk is astonishingly (indeed, worryingly) nice about me, giving me an ego rating of 40 out of a possible 100, popularity rating of 82, value for money rating of 89, moral fibre of 86, and a Pulitzer potential of 97.
Sadly, though, I have an annoyance factor of only 21, which suggests I am not doing my job properly and must try harder.
Graham Gnaw-Wood (who he? Ed) does a lot better in the annoyance stakes with a score of 63, and is described as: “The bluntest man in property journalism. He says what he likes and he likes what he ****** well says.”
Someone called Pea Bee has a popularity rating of 10 and a buzzing-insect annoyance factor of 97, while Chris Wood-Not – described as the Mary Whitehouse of the UK estate agency industry – earns 99 points for his annoyance factor. There is also a card called Robert March – how the months fly – who is a “pseudo-regulator”, full-time re-poster and chairman of the Keyboard Warrior Association. He scores 95 for ego, 16 for popularity, 90 for annoyance and 23 for moral fibre.
Crikey, these three must have rattled a few cages!
By contrast Alex Chesterfield – the Steve Jobs of property and rumoured to be buying China – has an incredibly low annoyance factor of just 16 and a value for money factor of 79.
Gavin Barfwell, our current housing minister, is another card. Aged 15 (go on, we thought he was a lot younger), he has a popularity factor of 3 and a moral fibre rating of 4. That is probably pretty good going for a member of the Government.
Property mouthpiece Henry Pliers, who has apparently never knowingly transacted a property under £5m, has a remarkably high annoyance factor of 92, and an even higher ego rating of 98.
Russell Smirk is also among the cards, awarded marks of 100 for ego and annoyance, which seems to be under-egging it. Surely his rating for both should be much higher.
However, thanks to an ego which is probably really worth a gazumping great 200, Smirk also scores 100% top marks for popularity, value for money and moral fibre, which is what happens when you control the cards and hold all the aces.
Jokers in the pack are clearly Mick and Ken, a pair of actors clad in purple. They have big egos (96) but have been awarded Trustpilot ratings – sorry, we means popularity scores – of only 9 (not jealous, are you Russell?).
There are plenty more familiar faces who will either be flattered or insulted depending on the thickness of their skins. However, notable absentees from the pack include anyone from Rightmove, OnTheMarket or the NAEA and ARLA.
And where is Countrywide boss Alison Platt – although Bob Mitten (annoyance factor 96) is there, as is Sam Tyrer, described as the “current MD of Countryslide”.
So, can all these cards actually be put to use?
Instructions are included for a game which looks great fun even if it does make Monopoly look like a fleeting moment in time, but should while away a less than action-packed afternoon in the office as the interregnum otherwise known as Christmas draws closer.
The winner of said game is, naturally, the person who ends up holding all the cards.
That would be Quirk, then.
PS: EYE has ten real packs of the cards to give away as prizes. All you have to do is post below your suggestions of names for new cards and their tongue-in-cheek job descriptions. On the advice of our lawyers, we are not asking for ratings.
Anyone who wants to buy an actual pack of cards can do so for £10 and eMoov will donate it to Hope For Children.
You can see a selection of the cards here:
https://www.emoov.co.uk/proptrumps/
To be fair that’s a great idea for charity.
Mind you a top score of 100 for ego
pfffft
A true narcissist knows there’s no top limit
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
Try removing the ‘100’ under the heading “Moral Fibre”.
Insert new rating ‘0’ to the above.
THEN add the floating ‘100’ to the existing “Ego” rating.
NOW you’re getting a tad closer to the real animal.
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
Julian O’dell – Mr Miyagi of valuing.
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
I am so disappointed not to be in the pack. I thought I was starting to be accepted as part of the community and then this….just before Christmas as well. I feel so lonely…….
oh well just have to up my posting game next year!!
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
A house of cards? Am I chortling? You may think that, I couldn’t possibly comment.
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
Mr ‘future countrywide’
Retail distributor of bargain basement property.
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
Mr PB
Prolific deliverer of keys on completed sales.
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
Moral fibre 23% of that a bloke who boasts about taking £613 from a 7 year old, £50,000 off his mate and £20,000 from his father and brother to fund a project serial entrepreneur and businessman James Caan from BBC’s Dragon’s Den is apparently no longer backing?
I’m normally quite good at maths but can’t seem to calculate what 23% of none at all is.
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
I like it!
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
Mr Corpolate
Active vendor communicator.
‘yes we can sell your property for £20,000 more than every other sale in your road….sign here to give us 6 months to do it…..reduce,reduce,reduce, reduce more…. sold, job done….thanks for our very generous fee.’
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
Crikey, these three must have rattled a few cages!
By contrast Alex Chesterfield – the Steve Jobs of property and rumoured to be buying China – has an incredibly low annoyance factor of just 16 and a value for money factor of 79.
That card is just schmoozing,there aren’t any real opportunities of a big cash payout from someone wanting an internet listing/ passive intermediary division, so with Alex as the only real prospect of a charity handout operation brown snout is the last embarrassing begging opportunity for several months.
It actually makes sense for Woodford, Bruce, and the carphone warehouse bloke etc to give him a hand out. Shouty Emoov going down wouldn’t reflect well on the business model so keeping it on a life support system makes sense
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
Bob Scarface
Forced to walk the plank off the giant pirate ship when he argued with the captain (see below) over the course being sailed. Used to swimming with sharks so not much to worry about for the future.
Capt Ali Splatt
Bringing retail piracy into the 21st century Capt Splatt is sailing stormy waters. Crew who know anything about piracy find themselves pursuing exciting new opportunities – in Davy Jones’ Locker
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
Excellent suggestions (like the DJ locker especially)…glad someone else is joining in. Thought I was on the thread on my own.
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
Rayhan Oh Mah Gourd
genius inventor of not a mortgage but a bit like a mortgage for people who want to own the luxury living not rent it
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
Paul Sniff – Follow me everything’s rosy in my world
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
According to the Tw@tter page
“We took the UK’s top 30 property sector influencers, gave them spoof names and scored them on funny traits.”
TOP 30? “Influencers”?
They’re having a bleedin’ giraffe… aren’t they?
(at least where a certain “insect” is concerned – couldn’t influence a kettle to boil by pressing the switch)
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
comment of the day!
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
I thought it quite amusing, although to be fair I might have personally gone with Russell Jerk or indeed Berk, but whilst accurate, I wouldn’t advise googling that last one.
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
How’s about
Smiles Lipside – Portal Mouthpiece
Talking the market up, down & sideways since 1876.
Doesn’t know the meaning of the phrases “#portaljuggling” or “loyalty discount”.
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
EA Moan
psychologist
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register
Odd Russell is moaning about Trust Pilot and PB – Think he is trying the same with another well known review site …..
You must be logged in to like or dislike this comments.
Click to login
Don't have an account? Click here to register